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OMG I just experienced hell. I was sitting here leisurely minding my business (read that yelling at the kids) and my entire body caught on fire from the inside out. These kids say they didn’t see any flames but I don’t trust them, they like Tyler Perry movies for Pete’s sake.
I tried to cool off by putting my hair in a bun but then it was too hot in that one place, then I tried fanning myself with my shirt. I may have lifted it too high because the little one shrieked and left the room screaming some nonsense about his eyes burning and bleach. Whatever kid, I have my own problems to deal, with I am melting internally.
I thought about taking my pants off but then I felt some sweat roll down my back and get soaked up by the waistband of my sweats and decided it was sort of a win-win if I kept them on. And there is the whole traumatizing the kids angle of going pants-less so… My glasses slid down my nose, as sweat dripped in my eye (it burns by the way) If I ever exercised I would probably already know that, but I just perfected my round shape and don’t wanna mess it up just yet.
I sucked back a cup of ice water and all I got for it was some steam coming off my skin . I finally flopped on the floor in hopes of it cooling me off, we have wood floors and they tend to be cool, but I forgot the baby had just been playing down there and ended up with a cupcake shaped rattle right in the small of my back. When I arched up and tried to keep from falling back onto it I rolled over into some cracker crumbs. They immediately stuck to my clammy skin and became gooey. I guess she thought I was stealing her food because she jumped on me and started smacking me around. Once I calmed her down by letting her lick the cracker goo from my arm (don’t judge me) I realized I was cooling off.
I googled my symptoms because who has time for a real doctor, I am doing important shit over here. I am either dying from a tropical disease or am perimenopausal. I’ll take tropical diseases for $200 Alex. And apparently my round shape is totally not because I have been eating mozzarella sticks and hamburgers like they are salads, but because of my condition. I expect get well cards and chocolates from ya’ll, this is serious stuff.

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