I try really hard to not let what he says to me get to me but, phew, today he wins. I was up until 5:30 doing my midterm , once I finally went and laid down I couldn’t relax to fall asleep so I just laid there miserable, reliving all the chaos and drama that happened with him before he went to bed. I lay there and try to figure out what the hell I am doing wrong and end up hating myself for where I lack. I come downstairs to a disaster area. But I cleaned up last night, they didn’t, I did. And it is a war zone. I start telling them to get it cleaned up, put down the Kindle and get off the game and make it look just like I had it last night. The girls were still upstairs and when they heard me they even came down to help, even though they had been in Miss Understood’s room all morning watching TV. Romeo started flipping and spinning, singing songs I have banned in this house, ignoring me. The Boy continued playing his game like I wasn’t talking. I start getting louder and louder telling them I am not doing this today when WHAM! His chair flies across the dining room slamming into the wall next to me. His younger brother tells him to stop and ends up getting tossed across the room into the couch. He charges upstairs screaming that he will not clean anything, I need to get off my fat ass and do it. Then he starts throwing hateful words my way as fast as he can process them, fat pig, bitch, loser, unlovable, dumb, whore, slut, lesbian, retard, nobody and his kill shot- “I see why my Dad beat your ass!” I fight them, I beg myself not to lose it and I fail. Big gasping sobs erupt from me as I break. I break into a million painful, hurt pieces and I can’t stop.

I go to my old standby coping mechanism, I start washing dishes and I cry. I cry into those suds for 14 years of trying and not feeling like I am getting through to him , I cry because I have given my all to my kid and still don’t know what is going on in his head, I cry out of frustration, loneliness, fear and finally I just cry because I can’t stop. Romeo decides to hope on the wave of chaos and ride it, he starts arguing with his sisters and refusing to do the homework he has been hiding from me. He starts getting more verbal and aggressive, feeding off the filth his brother refuses to stop spewing. The girls call their Dad, trying desperately to find some calm in this storm that is swirling through the house, threatening to get bigger and bigger any second. He wants me to get on the phone but I can’t talk, I am crying too hard, he wants to talk to the boys but The Boy refuses to get on the phone, Romeo gets on the phone and plays innocent little boy. I hear his voice getting louder through the phone, he is new to the chaos, he isn’t equipped to deal with the roller coaster of pure rage they ride and not get swept into the ride with them. He has his own demons to wrestle as he tries to help from across town. It doesn’t work. Now they are mad their Dad knows what they did and overjoyed that he cannot get here to stop them so they escalate. Romeo is screaming, running through the house in his own world, leaving a trail of havoc in each room. The Boy is upstairs punching holes in his bedroom wall, getting amped back up because his Dad heard him ,heard the things he said to and about me and he knows Gramma will be calling soon. It is all my fault they know, I will pay for that, he will make my life miserable, he wishes I would die…

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