WARNING: There are bad words in this. Just a few, some for shock value and the rest  because I like that shit.

I have 5 kids, 2 with someone I was with for over a dozen years and 3 with someone I was with about 7 or 8 years (it is kind of a blur). The father of the younger 3 and his family claim my older two and vice versa. Until very recently neither of them parented at all. They had gone and made new families. Both of them made choices to acquiesce to the women they were with to stay away from their children and, by proxy, me. Make no mistake about it, they had no reason, except their own feeble insecurities, to act like that. I ended both relationships, there was no going back for me .The first one had an ongoing relationship most of our relationship with a woman he ultimately married and the second one had problems keeping his hands and fucked up words to himself. Why on God’s green earth would I go back to either of them? Holy crap, give me some credit. I have relationships with both of their families because of my kids, their new siblings and my nieces and nephews. Usually I have the kids dropped off at my house and we do our thing, thus eliminating (I pray) any butthurt feelings by the current GF’s and the need for those insecure ass chicks to think my desire for a real relationship with the kids means I want the ex back.

I have had younger, ex-wives and kids mamas from both sides of the family tell me they wanna be on my level. They want to be able to be cool with the ex so tough that they can in turn be cool toward the current or any other subsequent exes all while still maintaining their relationships with the family they have made during their tenure. It is not a level, it is just real shit. I don’t have any reason to dislike those chicks because they are with either of those dudes. Our story has been written; it had a beginning, climax and an end. Trust me they were not best seller worthy, they weren’t even Harlequin-can-I-get-Fabio-on-the-cover-just-tan-him-up-real-good-worthy. They were stupid, filled with cheap plot twists, vulgarity, drugs, infidelity and drama. You know those really shitty urban e-books you can find for a buck? Well this shit was sorta like, that minus the NY accents and the cool nicknames. One of has had to be an adult in the situation. I have kids, special needs kids that needed a real parent, poor babies all they got was me, but I try and that counts for something. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Because of that, the fact it has been 17 and 10 years respectively since D-day  and because I really just had no feelings left either way for either of them  I got over all the shit these clowns did, that I accepted at the time and moved on. I am pseudo-friendly with them; we parent together when they are so inclined. I don’t bad mouth them and hope they don’t bad mouth me and if they do that they don’t do it in front of our kids. I have found myself, on occasion, thrust into a scenario where I have to be around the exes and their current situations. We have experienced the deaths of two young men, my nephews, one from each side in the past 2 years. It was a big deal, and shouldn’t have been, that at each funeral I watched over my children’s younger siblings so these 2 men could grieve with their siblings who lost their children. I hugged and comforted one of their mothers when she broke down and saw the incredulous looks. People are trifling, seriously. I am supposed to care who this broad is banging on her off day while we are both grieving over a teenager we both loved who mysteriously just doesn’t wake up one day? Get the fuck outta here! My kids Granny says it speaks volumes on my character as woman that I can step in and just be one of the older women in the family in a crisis, I think it speaks volumes about the people who are shocked by my behavior. But that’s just me. And I think she could have left the older part out, but again, that’s just me.

Sometimes my attitude and civility toward the newbies can bite me in the ass though and make me realize some of these gutter rats (too harsh?) take my behavior as a sign of weakness. They assume that I am either afraid of them or hating on their relationships. Baby girl let me tell ya, I have been with both of those men, I know firsthand what relationships with them are. You are welcome to that bullshit. Ex number one wears his big red shoes on a daily and his newest situation is adamant she and I need to be homies. I am still trying to figure out how to break it to this woman nicely that I have no intention of being her bestie, no I don’t want you to braid my hair , no we can’t go for mani/pedis and hell no I won’t teach you how to cook his fave dish. Damn! I am not his sister, I am his ex and I earned the right to be a little curmudgeonly every blue moon. Hell, I think dude is all kinds of fucked up yet you hang on his every word- we have no common ground other than that we have both seen him naked and I am not trying to remember that horror show. I am either gunna say something about ole boy that is gunna piss you off or make you see him in a different light and, quite frankly neither of those scenarios suits me.

Lemme tell you why I have a bee in my bonnet about this shit. Today I am minding my own business, in the house I pay for, when there is a banging on the door followed by intensive doorbell ringing. I ain’t got time for that. My big self is all the way upstairs, if it is that imperative you get in this house right, right now you shudda stayed your ass in your vehicle. IJS. I sent the eldest because 1 I didn’t have a bra on and wasn’t leaving my room (gravity has done a number on the girls and without proper support it is a heinous thing to behold) and 2 I kinda knew in the pit of my stomach it was #1 because my sphincter tightened so tight at the first knock I hiccupped. This dude, my new bestie and his 2 younger boys come plowing through my front door like Madea and her ghetto ass crew. I rushed to close my bedroom door because I knew the youngest kid would be heading up the stairs immediately to say hi , what I didn’t count on was dad deciding he needed to see his daughters room (after we have lived her for 4 years today was the day)  and to bring these huge stuffed animals up to decide where he wanted them displayed for the grandbaby. So him, his woman and 2 kids all come traipsing upstairs and proceed to start sticking their head in doors, whether they were closed or not. No Bueno. There has to be some sorta line that we don’t cross. I think coming up where the rooms are is that line. I don’t flinch (outwardly) when he goes in the kitchen and makes a sandwich or gets a snack but this felt invasive to me. And I got mad. When I get mad I get upper sarcastic. It did not end well. I sorta don’t even care that his stupid feelings may have been hurt or that she was looking at me like she understands now why I am the ex, all I care about is if they do come back over, after an appropriate being mad at me period of time, they remember they are welcomed guests downstairs, they are unwelcomed intruders upstairs and will be treated accordingly. I won’t lie part of me wishes my new stun gun had arrived before they did. I might have made it on the evening news.