*Somehow this has been in my drafts folder since the middle of November. Whoops.

We had the mother of all meltdowns the other day. It was BAD! During the chaos my older sister called and upon hearing her voice I lost the last hold on composure I had. I sobbed, yelled, babbled and probably scared her half to death. I had to throw my phone down at one point to restrain him and she was gone when I hung up. A little while later she called to check on us. The meltdown was still in full swing. She works for an agency that provides job and life skills classes for DD adults and told me to write a detailed email explaining everything that goes on in this house, she was going to find me some help. After everything had calmed down, 5 and a half agonizing hours later, I sat down and tried to compose an email detailing when, where, why and what is happening. It took me long into the early morning hours to come up with it. I felt like I was being disloyal to him telling all these things that we don’t speak of outside these 4 walls yet at the same time I felt sad at reliving these moments again. The first thing she said was I need to stop trying to help him through his meltdowns and just make sure everyone is safe and let him ride it out because my “help” is triggering him to escalate because he doesn’t interpret it as help. Cue big ole lump in my throat and feelings of failure in mom.

She sent me text after text with pointers, tips and ways to lessen the severity of the meltdown aftermath. Today she gave my email to a behavior specialist at work. She was asked who these people were, why had he not been checked for psychosis or multiple personalities and how was the mother even handling all that and taking care of her other kids? She then said he needed to be removed from the house. WTF?? I want help, I don’t want my child gone, and regardless of what we go through he is my child. I am so hurt and conflicted by all of this. This is NOT what I want!!