Sometimes I sit up all night and just cry. Picasso is so into school that he doesn’t see the financial strain him not contributing has on us. Ali Baba expects me to give her child the best of the best yet has been stealing money off my debit card every month. Cindy wants things I just can’t give her and has started acting out. Ignoring me when I talk to her, not doing her chores and she has started lying to me. That breaks my heart. Ferdinand tells me I am a failure as a parent because he doesn’t have what his friends have. He has started stealing at school. Romeo doesn’t want to live here anymore. He wants to live with his friends, who have a Mama and a Grandma, each with live in boyfriends and only 3 kids in the house. They have money and things that I can’t provide.

It hasn’t always been like this. It was when we lived in hell with “him”, all the money went up his nose or burned away into ash but since then I have done so much better. I promised no more apartments for my babies so I found a house, then a bigger house and I filled it with beautiful things, each room held matching beds and décor, toys and more toys, they looked like something out of a magazine. I paid ridiculous amounts of money on living room sets, not 1 but 2 (so they wouldn’t be embarrassed to have friends over) and 2 complete dining rooms full of furniture. I was so happy to do this for them. I felt fulfilled providing for my kids. Then my nest egg started dwindling away so I started looking for work outside the home. Then Ferdinand started escalating and needed all my time and focus, then Ali Baba took that time to start pulling her disappearing acts so I caved in and agreed to do daycare for family from home. No more than 8 kids and all of them related to me somehow. Ferdinand’s outbursts scared a few of the kids so we dwindled down to half that, than down to 2 and finally none.

In the last couple weeks I have closed the daycare, it is done, over and I have no idea how I am going to keep everything going now. I am still owed thousands of dollars but I don’t see that coming anytime soon. I think they are going to punish her for trying to be sneaky and start with a new provider while I was still contracted which means I am SOL. On top of all that my landlord has decided to be a turd and raise my rent. So we will more than likely have to move within the next 60 days. Factor in all the repairs to walls and doors I have had to make and all the little people in the house that took a toll on the furnishings and it doesn’t even look like the same place it was 3 years ago or even 6 months ago. I can’t let anyone know my struggle because the creep can use it to take us back to court for the grand. Plus I don’t want them to know I have screwed the pooch yet again. Christmas will be sparse; luckily I bought a few things here and there over the last few months. So I sit and cry at night when they are asleep. And I go about business as usual during the day while I try to figure out a way out of this mess.