Meh! I don’t feel good. I dunno why, but I just don’t. Lethargy, aches and pains, overall blah and blergh simultaneously with the moodiest mood swings ever, it’s like I am feeling all the feels in Feelville. At first I thought shark week was on its way but that fun little app I downloaded on my phone hasn’t interrupted me in the middle of a long text to proclaim, on a background of hearts and flowers even, “X amount of days until the beginning of the end”. Maybe those aren’t the exact words but you get my point.
Speaking of period apps, someone needs to design a more realistic one, not me because I don’t feel good right now, but someone else. This one should play the theme from Jaws as the reminder tone that all hell is going to erupt in your uterus shortly. It should have little bright, colorful pop-ups that remind you to lay in supplies. They would say stuff like: buy massive amounts of chocolate, get ice cream, not the little one clown, the party bucket, test heating pad for optimal heaterization before onset of cramps, stock up on as many bags of potato chips as you can fit in your car trunk and DVR hours upon end of Lifetime movies so you at least have an excuse for your spontaneous outbursts of tears. Yeeesss! This so needs to happen!
It could have little platitudes that pop up during the red reign of terror with sayings like, “you are still beautiful even in old ratty stained sweats and that giant, holey t-shirt an old ex left at your place so many years ago that you cannot remember his name or what he looks like, with your stringy hair piled on the top of your head” or “zits are a sign you are still young and vibrant” , “it’s not you, its them”– ya know positive uplifting shit that makes you feel less stabby. In a perfect world it would tie in to a food delivery app so you can order pizza and burgers and fries from the comfort of your wrapper strewn bed. If I felt better I would totally sit down and play with some code and make this sumabeeyotch a reality but, meh!
If one of you decides to roll with my idea all I ask is you hook me with some Symphony bars, chips and greasy shit that isn’t good for me but is oh, so good every 28 days or so. Deal?