TRIGGER WARNING!

You ever have a wound that starts to heal, it still hurts, but it is starting to scab over? Then that scab gets knocked off and you have to start the healing process all over again? That is how my heart feels today.  January 30, 2012 my phone rang, when I answered it my sister-in-law was hysterical on the other end. She was calling to tell me my nephew had been shot and killed. I don’t remember the entire conversation because all I could hear was my heart shattering into a million pieces. I remember sitting by the phone, numb, waiting for any news at all and then being afraid to answer it when it did ring. I watched some of the strongest men I know seem to shrink under the weight of their grief, I watched his sisters struggle to retain a hold on their sanity and I cried barrels full of tears. And then I had to tell my children. As I tried to keep it together, for them, I wanted answers. How? Why did this happen?

Fast forward to now. The murder trial started earlier this month. His Mother is in court every day. Front and center, ensuring that the jury knows he was someone’s child and he is sorely missed. She shares the proceedings with the rest of the family in a private group and some days it is more than I can bear. Today is one of those days. Today we learned that he had his hands up and was facing them when they put 2 bullets in his heart. I will not share this information with his cousins. I will sit in my room, in the dark and grieve for a 19 yr. old who was killed by someone he knew, for his possessions, while he had his hands up. And I will pray that someday this wound will start to scab over again. It will still hurt, but it will be protected.

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