Today I am teetering on the brink of disaster. I am empty.  The Boy has been having meltdown after meltdown coupled with defiance and tantrums since Friday night. He is unwilling to do even the smallest of tasks that he is given; he is belligerent and furious over everything and nothing. He starts stimming so loudly that his siblings leave the room he is in so they can talk on their phones and/or watch TV, this makes him think they are ostracizing him which starts the chaos all over again.

I am learning the difference between tantrums and meltdowns and I am seeing a lot of tantrums lately.  They start out as defiance and work their way up. I try to get a handle on them before they gain much steam but, truthfully, they seem to be winning. This makes me very sad. And very frustrated. More often than not the tantrum will segue into a meltdown and then I am at an impasse, I can’t discipline a meltdown. I won’t discipline him for a meltdown. That is unconscionable and utterly wrong.

I am struggling with the implications of what is happening with me. Not just the chronic intense pain, but the loss of sensation in my hands and feet that comes with it. This shit is scary. I do not have the mobility I used to have, I cannot do the things I used to do and things I used to love doing I’m not able to do anymore.  Add all this together with his increasing tantrums, etc. and it is a recipe for a big ole breakdown.

I am trying to stay the course and be the best I can be for these kids and my Grand, but it seems like what I do most often, is bang my head against a wall and pull my hair out.  I need to figure something out. He is escalating and at the same time he is growing taller and stronger by the day. And I am getting weaker physically day by day. And this cannot end well if it continues like this. I need to figure out a solution, to both of our issues. And soon.