Back at the beginning of May I had a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. In simple terms, gall bladder removal surgery. I was so happy to know the pain would be gone that surgery didn’t even scare me. Just get this rotten thing out of me! After a long hospital stay (read sorta, kinda vacation) I was excited to know they could yank this sucker out and send me home all in the same morning.

What I wasn’t prepared for was after surgery. I thought I would be back to normal within a few days and back to eating like a fat ass soon after that. Ha! Fooled me. I couldn’t sit up without help the first few days. In a drug addled haze I made a comment to my older sister, who had all 3 of her boys by C-section that I knew what she had gone through after each one. I believe she is directly responsible for my recovery taking longer. She refused to help me up after that. I lay there like a fucking turtle on my shell, flailing around trying to get up before my bladder just said ‘screw it’. She just stood there and smiled evilly. At one point she told the kids, “let’s go get Starbucks, she should be up by the time we get back.” WTF Bro?! At least prop me up so I have a fighting chance. I did learn during that time that my sister has a mean streak a mile long. Heifer!

After GB removal they don’t give you printed directions. Like ‘don’t eat this, don’t drink this, unless you want your butt to break do not even think about eating this’. They tell you to Google GB diet. Guess what? If you Google it you get links to forums full of horror stories. And sprinkled throughout you have that one guy who had no issues. He got out of the hospital, ate a 72 oz T-Bone, 2 fully loaded baked potatoes, veggies covered in a cheese sauce and drank 2 milkshakes to wash down his triple scoop banana split and had zero issues. LIAR! His butt erupted like Mt. Freaking Vesuvius. The first month if I even thought about meat, diary, bread, fruit or vegetables I spent the next few hours in the bathroom, crying for an end to the madness. I drank broth when I got hungry. Just broth. And I drank water. When I went in for a follow up my regular MD hit me in the head with some papers and told me to eat something for crying out loud. I told her if I did I would be crying out, loud. She said go get some ensure. So I went to Wally world and got milk chocolate flavored ensure. First of all, that shit is gritty. And chalky. Like drinking liquid chalk, but not chocolate flavored chalk. Chalk flavored chalk.  I figured maybe I just need to drink it over ice or freezing cold. Nope. Cold chalk. BLERGH! Nasty shit. That is exactly what that bullshit gave me. I think I actually died on the toilet twice. The stench emanating from around me revived me. And killed me again. Never a-damn-gain.

People kept calling asking how I was feeling. I always said ‘better’. I didn’t want to say, “I am shaky from starvation and moody because my stomach is eating itself and even that is making me sick.” So I stuck with better. It has been 2 months since my surgery. I still can’t eat 95% of what I used to eat. I miss bacon. Gawd how I miss bacon. I still drink my broth, instead of eating, most days because what I ate yesterday may be on the ‘hell no ‘list today. I keep getting invited to BBQ’s or out to eat. I wanna be like listen up asshole, is this your idea of a joke? Cus it ain’t fucking funny, you dick. I am hungry Damon! So hungry. And on top of it I ain’t losing any weight. So I am hungry and still fat as hell. Not fucking fair. I want to have a reason for being round as a beach ball.
Hmmm, I think I will go add this word for word to one of those what to eat after GB removal forums. It is about time someone exposed this shit for what it is. A conspiracy to make the toilet paper companies filthy, stinking rich!

 

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